You know what they say...

I'm not in a good mood, and I'm not being pleasant, and I don't care. I guess this is where I end up burning bridges, but I don't care about those either. I'm just tired of feeling like this, and its frustrating because I don't have much around to distract myself. I would love a decent distraction. I think I'm terrible at being alone, not for any reason other than I require a lot of stimulation to keep me interested in something, and I've never really found anyone, including myself, who can single handedly provide that. And it's not like I have any other viable options either. I'm likely the cause of all this for the sin of having standards. In the spirit of sounding vain, it's such a strange turn how somebody so many people seem to like and find attractive spends every night alone wishing she was out with people. It's times like these that leave me questioning whether there really is something wrong with me.

Aimless

I'm appetite free listening to emotion neutral music driving to a place-I don't really care where or whether or not I ever get there. Just spending time walking through stores without a penny in my pocket trying to convince myself that what I need is on the shelves here somewhere. Its unoriginal and exhausting and maybe I'm just here bumping along with everybody else and waiting impatiently for the breakdown. Trying to make things into things they're not. Trying to care when I don't. Deflection, run, and release, my go to move. It's just all...nothing now.

The Crown Jewel

So here's a little something to all those psych majors out there: Don't psychoanalyze me, dude. I know, I know, you get that all the time. And yes, it really riles your rocket, I know! I used to be one of you. But here's the deal. Ya actually do it, ya her? For serious. Because it's painful for those of us that are too polite to actually SAY this, to deflect your oh-so-penetrating and soul-peery questions. Really, I don't want to hear about my rocky self image or my self-defeating tendencies. I already have to live with them. And trust me, I'm introverted enough to know that they're there.
Maybe I have a odd take on it all, but I think psychiatrists and therapists might be the number one most manipulated group of people there is. Under the guise of genuity, a patient can get exactly what they want. Whether its help, or the fuel for an ulterior motive. The point is, my shortcomings don't need any more attention than I give them. They'll get big egos.


In other news, I had to cover myself with goo yesterday evening. I was shooting with this really cool photographer Allen Cooley, via invite from a makeup artist I've worked with before. She always gets me good projects. But I'm steadily learning that there's always a catch with her: a) she doesn't quite tell the whole story about whats happening in the shoot BEFORE the shoot, and b) whatever she's not saying is always weird and semi uncomfortable. She might be the definition of  "Surprise me." So anyway, goop. So it would look like I was melting. So the first set of pictures, the goop was red, which essentially just made it look like I was eating a dead vampire from True Blood. Not pretty. The second set, we changed the goop to clear, and it was a pretty neat effect. I legitimately can't wait to have those photos. You'll see why!

Bittersweet

What can I say about beauty. This time of year, it sprouts up in patches. Bright green trees, cloudless blue sky background, perfect lighting. My drive home is a small reminder of the beauty in this world, and I'll fill my lungs with as much of it as the moment will allow. The chill in the air as I step out the door in the morning, that reminds me of pumpkins and cinnamon sticks. An exhilarating dance in the satisfaction of solitude. Life is full of beautiful things, some are obvious, and some are harder to see. Sometimes, impossible to see. But there is beauty in the painful moments too, moments that resonate within us. The final straw, the moment where she finally gives up on him. The fact that she never truly will. Que the harmonic. The beauty of pain lets us know we are still living, that we still have our most human attributes. Your beauty is bittersweet darling, I'll always see it, and I'll always let it hurt, because once it let me love.