Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
There's a lot to say, cohesively, and yet nothing to say at all. I want to berate you, cry to you, ask you if its true. Ask you why. But I don't.
I have clothes I need to return to you, clothes I've thought about cutting holes in, so when you try them on again you see they are ruined, you see my anger. But I won't.
I have secrets, so, so many secrets, dirt on you for miles and miles, that would bend and maybe even break you. I could use you, abuse you, but it won't change the way it feels to lose you. So I say nothing. I do...nothing.
Drawing conclusions here is difficult, but after a long day, after the long winded explanations and helpless justifications, I am left marinating in my mind, and keep moving, to keep going, I draw conclusions. I am a hopeful person. A silver lining kind of girl. I still believe you are a good person. I still see the strength, and the fighting freedom within your spirit. I still see that girl that would give up anything, anything for her friends. The girl who wears her scars just underneath her tired, troubled face, when her world bubbles up just beneath the surface, her spitting words threatening the overflow. I still see the girl who left me peanut butter cookies, and who drove me around her hometown all day, narrating her life story my way. I know when that girl cries, its a storm she doesn't let just anyone see.
There are options here. I could hate you. Part of me would love to hate you. It's so easy to do something like that. Maybe it's what you deserve, but I can't really pretend to know something like that, to know what people deserve and don't. I like to see the good in people, just like I saw so much good in you. I find it unacceptable if there cannot be compromise, if there cannot be a solution. So here is my compromise. Here is my solution. I know enough from this last year with you to know that you are not a rash thinker, you think hard and long about your options. But you are awful at confronting the truth inside you, so you rationalize your actions, and you will turn something good into something awful if it means you don't have to face it. I think that's how you did it. You both tried very hard to hate me in some round about way, and once you no longer valued me you let me go. You justified your actions with something negative, something hateful. And now, you can both sit there, hating people and using that as a justification for why you should be together. Congratulations. Now you have something built on the bitterness you both feel for the world around you. Your stuck with each other now, some sick, self-deprecating comedy, because you've lost the respect of so many people that truly cared about you both. Maybe that's what will fuel this thing. So here's the deal. You think I don't know who I am, that I'm some lost lamb that's straying down the wrong path and though you tried to save me I'm just a lost cause. But you can be sure, I know a thing or two about myself, perhaps a thing or two the both of you can learn as well. I know that I won't waste my time hating you. I know you're not worth my time anymore. And I know that nothing good can come from something born of hatred. It's over, it's done, and I will not be a part of it anymore. Its terribly sad, and I will mourn you both. The thing is that now, I'm taking my naive lamb-self out and away from you, gathering my losses. And maybe I'm not perfect, but the truth is I'm thanking God I'm not in your shoes. I hope someday you both recognize your flaws and stop pointing out everyone else's, because if you both hate yourselves so much that you can't take a deep hard look in the mirror, then you can be sure that you will be unable to love each other. So goodbye to this. Goodbye to you. I won't see you fail, I won't see you succeed. And after this moment, I won't care. Goodbye and good luck, you two. I genuinely believe you'll need it.