Mood Piece

Noticings

Attachment. It's one of humanity's greatest inclinations, sometimes the least obvious and perhaps most feared of our natural affections. Attachment is a dangerous thing, its the invisible, unscented noxious gas that fills a room quietly and steadily, and no one going about their daily business ever notices its arrival. Only its departure. Attachment is the well-meaning friend with exclusively good intentions, the survival strategy that has persisted through the ages, it's the warm and sunny with a chance of rain, when most people choose not to take their umbrella. The catch to attachment lies in it's intangibility. It takes up no space, and leaves no mark, but when it's gone, you notice your cup was empty to begin with.

Rose colored glasses

I'm not really sure if its a game I'm playing with you, or only with myself, but I do this thing where I pretend I've known you forever, and all of a sudden you become much easier to talk to. But I have to admit it's a rough game, tampering with the natural progression of things like that. Blurring the lines here makes it easier to feel something for you, like a transference of feelings, and suddenly, quite dangerously, I may be feeling something towards you that doesn't belong to you at all. Something that belongs to someone far away, someone who no longer is. That's the worry in wearing rose colored glasses, you don't see the haze even when you've put it there.

Minotaur

Like a monster who turns his wild eyes your way, bares his teeth and rattles his cage, this shift is a strange one. It screams a throaty yell before in jumps in the ring, beating its chest and daring you to join. This shift is my Minotaur, following me around in the maze, getting ever closer to the inevitable outcome. And I stepped into the ring, knowing what I know, I stepped in ready for the blows.

Exploring.

You know what they say...

I'm not in a good mood, and I'm not being pleasant, and I don't care. I guess this is where I end up burning bridges, but I don't care about those either. I'm just tired of feeling like this, and its frustrating because I don't have much around to distract myself. I would love a decent distraction. I think I'm terrible at being alone, not for any reason other than I require a lot of stimulation to keep me interested in something, and I've never really found anyone, including myself, who can single handedly provide that. And it's not like I have any other viable options either. I'm likely the cause of all this for the sin of having standards. In the spirit of sounding vain, it's such a strange turn how somebody so many people seem to like and find attractive spends every night alone wishing she was out with people. It's times like these that leave me questioning whether there really is something wrong with me.

Aimless

I'm appetite free listening to emotion neutral music driving to a place-I don't really care where or whether or not I ever get there. Just spending time walking through stores without a penny in my pocket trying to convince myself that what I need is on the shelves here somewhere. Its unoriginal and exhausting and maybe I'm just here bumping along with everybody else and waiting impatiently for the breakdown. Trying to make things into things they're not. Trying to care when I don't. Deflection, run, and release, my go to move. It's just all...nothing now.