We Put the Never in Never.

This ain't the end, this is self preservation.
Pretty boy looks. Vain, and cocky. You had your pick in high school. I called you soldier but it was I who fought so hard for you. You want to know what I remember? I wore a turquoise cami with a yellow tank top when we walked around the lake, and I told you I was a republican, just to see your face grimace. Our first kiss. Publix sugar cookies, Jimmy Eat World-Hear You Me, the greenway. You interrupted me while I was talking and kissed me. I was so stunned I went right on with our conversation like nothing happened. Burgundy shirt, alpine in kahuna. Hair so long you said I looked like Eve, as we messed around on empty soccer fields at night, always looking for a rare place alone. The first time we went out you locked your keys inside your car at the movies, and we walked to the convenient store to buy a hangar, and spent a few good hours bending it in the right shape to snag the keyring. The next time we went out, you did the same thing.
I remember our long walks. I remember watching every scrubs episode that summer, and when I gave you that link, it was the first time you ever said you loved me. Not seriously, and not taken so. But the first. The second time, you meant. And I said thank you, like in the movies. It broke you, but it wasn't really fair. It was only a month. You were always leaving me. I learned quickly that the second a man seems most in love, most interested in me, is the second before he leaves.
We spent those next 18 months meeting secretly. Talking all the time. You loved me, you left me. That time on the concrete block next to the cow trough in the fields behind Holy Trinity. The first time you told me you heard voices. Just your name, in an empty hallway. We breathed each other in, felt the energy electrify between us. You stole me a candy bar from the gas station. Dark chocolate milky way.
I kept tabs on you, always. I taught you how to drink. I felt like such a bad ass, teaching boys to shoot whisky in a house that wasn't ours. We found time alone wherever we could. How I regret that now. Isn't it crazy how we introduce people to things we later hate that they do?
You got me high the first time. I fought so hard to stay in reality. We walked around in the woods, hiding in our paranoia. I saw a pterodactyl, hanging from the trees. You sat alone in the empty stands at my high school graduation. I was so sick. I left there so fast there's only one picture of me from that day, stepping off the stage. Just to be with you.
I used to sneak into your window to spend the night. My world collapsed around me, and you offered to be my safety net. My family. That summer we fell in love. Apathy Eulogy-Impetuous Me. Firehouse subs. I was so covered in bruises. Matt and Kim- Daylight. And then we both left. Again. College. The last day of summer, we started a tradition. Bacardi. You grew up, and so did I. But we couldn't be without each other. We were on and off again, and you cried when you had to go home. Owl city-Fireflies You cried when I left you. Kid Cudi-Up up and away. Say Anything- Cemetery. I visited Orlando. And that's when I really saw it. The rest is crystal clear.

I don't think you remember. Runs, barefoot, Waculla Springs, sunburns. That alligator in the park. The time Charlie went missing. The time we made Charlie armor. Fireworks. That horrible cake we made. That awesome Thai food we made. That rainstorm we watched. Walking through the mall in matching outfits. You bought a pretzel. The colony. That abandoned house we walked to. The guy with the camera we talked to. How about that summer we lived together. I never loved anyone so hard. I knew...I knew, I couldn't have you. You made it impossible. But you loved me too. Smoothies. The projector. That time in the hotel where I surprised you, butt naked. The dog park. Every. Single. Day. That field in south Florida, we drove to the lake edge, remember...getting caught?

There are a lot of things left out. A lot of thoughts. Like holding your hand in the hospital. Drawing pictures. Like slipping you medication when you were too messed up to take it. Like hiding from you under the desk. Like the baseball bat. Like South park. Like your graduation night. Like how we'd fight. Things we don't talk about.

I thought maybe you'd react differently this time, but I am coming to see, you're the ant in the amber. Time goes on, I grow older, but you stay the same. It doesn't matter if we're not "friends", C, we never were. You'll never go away, and neither will I. We're just a couple of stupid kids throwing a ball back and forth, just to see who drops it first...

Clarification:

That is all.

The Rule Is, There Are No Rules

Its alright.
This time it's just a slip, sliding down
our loose ends hang in ribbons
Some words have lost all meaning...
Like I'm sorry. Like I love you.
I always knew,
when it comes to you,
actions speak louder.
I know how these things work.
It's not my first time.
But you knew I felt for you.

Now here we are,
marionettes in the puppet show,
cut the bread,
pour the wine...
strings attached to a smile that's not mine.
But I always knew,
when it comes to you,
actions speak louder
actions speak louder
actions speak louder
actions speak...

Thoughts on validating, negating, and sarcasm

Lately I've been thinking a lot about validation and negation, and how these two simple concepts affect our interactions with other people. Sometimes I get too focused on finding a solution, giving advice, or providing the "right" answer to other people's problems, and bogged down when that kind of advice doesn't stick. It goes back to something I wrote earlier. We are not called to fix each other, only to understand one another. While it is easier said than done, part of this is really examining what it is to speak and act from a space of love. What does love really look like, what does it mean? And how does feeling invalidated affect our feelings of being unloved?
Validation itself is pretty simple. You feel a certain way? Yes, you do. That simple act of speaking and being heard, of having your emotions recognized, says so much more than words of advice or superficial solutions. Sometimes problems don't always have to have answers. Validation says "I see you, your well being matters to me, I am here for you." And that might be all someone needs from you. In fact, it might be all any of us need from each other when we are upset. With our feeling recognized, we are brought closer to one another, and in the restorative calm true peace or compromise can be found.
I recently went on a family trip, and I got to thinking how parents have a tendency to regress their children back into a state of adolescence. As someone whose been out of the house for nearly 5 years, I am perfectly capable of caring for myself and tending to the responsibilities that I've taken on. And my parents know that. And yet, on the first day, I was asked if I had brought dog food for my dog on a long weekend. There was something so negating about this question, and for a split second it stopped me in my tracks. OF COURSE I BROUGHT DOG FOOD. The idea that I had somehow forgotten pegs me as someone who is perpetually irresponsible, forgetful, or not conscious of others' needs. Which is not me at all. Do they even know me? It brought up a well of emotions relative to my experience in their household. I can't remember quite how I responded...I think I just said yes.  But it got me thinking.
My parents have raised three very capable children to young adults...and one thing we have in common is we all tend to be extremely sarcastic when mom and dad are around. And I think this has to do with validation and negation. Sarcasm tend to be our response when our parents say something that is invalidating to our current state of independence. Like "Did you bring dog food?" actually sounds like "I am skeptical about your ability to take care of another life because I do not feel you are a capable adult." And that can be quite an insulting thing to say, and in fact, quite different from the intention of the question in the first place. A better question could be "Where is the dog food? I'd like to give the dog a snack." It relays the true intention without negating a person's sense of self-confidence. I think we respond with sarcasm because we are continually being negated, although unintentionally. Sarcasm can feel insulting, but it arises as a response to a statement or question was already perceived as insulting.
I think we have to become more aware of how our words, validating and negating, illicit reactions from one another. It is so important to communicate well with the people around you, and even subtle changes can bring each other closer, tear down walls, and relay our true intentions more clearly. If we don't, we are left doling out clever put-downs and sarcastic comments that aren't indicative of how we truly feel about each other. It's something we should all work on, and I believe that being conscious and validating can truly break down barriers and make people feel far more at ease with each other...and make for lasting, beneficial relationships :)

Home.

You said, "don't get too comfortable there." You never had to say "so you don't end up like me."

My worst fear.

We move closer to downtown, buy a loft on the second floor of a crumbling brick building, the kind with exposed wooden beams, original floors, white-washed brick walls and a deck that grows ivy like an arbor overhead. The first thing I do is hang strings of twinkling lights from those rafters. I get you a video camera for your birthday. You smile and say thank you, but you hold my hand later and that means more to me than any words could. You let me be close to you, and I can't explain the way it fills me up, the kind of warmth that comes, not necessarily from being wanted, but actually appreciated.
We waste time in each other's company, sometimes saying nothing, laying on the floor listening to music. Finding figures in the plaster of the ceiling. Swapping jokes and cleverness. I make breakfast in the morning, putting life into lines and shelves and pockets, and you make fun of me for listening to n.p.r. and formulating plans I'll never keep. You've always been far cooler than I, getting on by the skin of your teeth sometimes, always with a smile. I am indebted to you, for the easy way you've pushed my mind into rethinking everything. A mental renaissance, electric. It's times like this I know you're amazing. You do your own thing and you don't need me much at all. Sometimes I think you only ask for help to make me feel useful, and help me gain some perspective. I force you to paint the kitchen yellow, and you paint everything else blue. I set up a corner for painting with an easel and a vintage drafting table, and sometimes I come home and you've drawn something, doodled your way into my creative realm. If you don't show me, I don't let myself look.
A lot of the time I feel like there is something you want to say, something you'd like to tell me or ways you'd like to touch me, affection, and you don't. But I know. I just know, and that's all there is. I force myself to touch you, to show you that I love you, I want so desperately to beat the odds...I'm cold and you're timid. I'll spend my lifetime showing you it's ok to love me back.
Some nights you don't come home. I make excuses for it but it tears me up. I pretend to believe every word you say, and once upon a time maybe I would've, but you're the one who taught me: question everything. This disgusting thing happens sometimes, where I hear my voice saying your words, and that's how I know you've gotten up inside of me. You break my heart but you'll never leave me, and I love too hard to let you go.
I know what you say about me. You can't go, you don't have a choice, I'm too nice. You don't want to be another man who fails me. This is just your life now, and that's that. You lay on the tracks, tied down by your own loyalty, and wait for the train to run you over.

But I'll never fucking let it.

I worry I'll grow sallow and old next to you, consumed by my own bitterness in anger that rots me to the core. I don't want to be a person who's children grow to hate her, but that's all we know because that's all we've been shown. I worry I'll grow cynical in your shadow, that as the years pass I open my mouth to make a suggestion but you shout a twisted retort that makes me think twice about ever opening my mouth again. I worry you'll hate me for loving you, for trapping you with things in a time when you were lost, I worry you think it's lucky you'll die before me, because there's nothing left to lose by my side. I worry that someday I'll wonder where the time has gone, that I'll live in the light of better days and try my best to be invisible, so you'll have no excuse but to continue pretending I'm not there, pretending not to see me.

Deja Vu

And suddenly, our little world is divided up: those of us that went back, and those of us that never quite could.

I just realized this next year is going to be really interesting. Pretty soon everyone is going to have to shed their greek life shells and become real people...I wonder where they will go. Funny how time flies, how the years treat us differently. If I think too hard on it, my chest begins to ache. My soul still mourns something I've lost. Still dwells, if only for a moment.
I see a pattern in myself, a desperate need to keep moving. The commitments of life are sometimes more than I can bear, all of our souls...bound by material things. I see that I do want a companion in all of this. But I also see how happy I can make myself when I am alone, and sometimes that seems like enough.

I guess I've realized that we'll always keep loving each other if we never speak of it. It can always be everything I had ever wanted, I can still have hope without ruining your potential. Isn't that frightening? Holding in my hand such a sweet fruit and never daring to taste...but is it so wrong to take this time to wonder how it came to fall right here into my hand? But really if I had my way, I'd smother you with love. So you'd never have to question it.