I'm not the type to have bad days, more often than not I find a good attitude can conquer all. Last night I found myself vulnerable, scared you could see right through me, scared you saw something you didn't like.
So when today, a series of ill-timed events makes me believe perhaps nothing I could do would get me to where I thought my day was heading, I found myself vulnerable. Plans thwarted by a higher power.
Alright, I'll listen. And in that moment my emotions got the best of me. This rarely happens. I hate crying, I resent this side of myself, but worse I hate crying in public. I felt it well up inside me, a part the needed to cry, for once more powerful than the part that needed to be strong. All the while arguing with myself that it could be so much worse, I excused myself into the women's room.
Just two minutes. Two minutes to react, to feel more with my heart than I think with my head. And something became clear. I am so resistant to asking for help, because I think I am setting myself up for disappointment. I actually chastised myself for not being a mechanic today, so that I could have fixed my own car, or at least made my own decision. I feel I have to do everything on my own because I can't count on anyone else. Or at least, I haven't been able to count on anyone else. I resist an emotional bond, because I believe it will fail me. You see that, don't you.
You see that I'm not all powerful, that I don't have it all together, that even though I accept, and moreover anticipate, failure from everyone else, often before giving them a chance, you see that I at times fail myself and I find that's unacceptable. Today I failed myself. I broke, and a whole swarm of things came to the surface. I came home and dreamt I was in a place in my past I've tried to forget. I failed...And yet in that failure, I realized something. My vulnerability does not have to be a fault. And if I continue to let it be, I'll miss out on the beauty it has to offer. I need to accept my vulnerability as a part of me that is inherently human. Accept that sometimes my tears, my emotions, are just part of being the female gender. And maybe in that acceptance, I'll find a way to coexist with my vulnerability, and to maybe even allow myself to be really, truly, and unconditionally...loved.
