Hallelujah

What is a girl's capacity to care? to love? Sometimes it seems like it could reach the stars, endless. That white hot eternity, in the way you can only see its light from 20 years ago. And sometimes it all overflows, and whats left, ah lonely, too much to handle. If I died tomorrow, where would my life go? My paintings. My dog. My bed. My books. I've acquired a lifetime of objects, a lifetime of people, mourning the loss in my heart. I don't know when I'll see a day that I don't feel screwed up somehow. Like that doesn't make me deserve normal. My mind, so very terminal. Look around and you see minds deteriorating, the people you've loved disappearing. What is the world telling me? Am I at home in dysfunction  because it takes the pressure off perfection? So this emptiness is too much for me, so this is life, bearing north and going hard? Or is this life, disappearing with every step? Or is this life, the marriage and divorce of love to a man again, to a concept, to an identity? I know what I am, who we are is truly what we are when we have nothing left. I know because I have walked out into the world and told myself I would not go back, and who was when I and nothing left, was nothing but fear.

Free your mind...

Today she woke to climb the mountain...

Followed the arrows

Followed the cairns

Saw the flowers, bright yellow, heather grey, lavender purple

Found a cave, felt a cave...

Explored it nooks and crannies

Saw the light...

Up, Up and Away...

    Free at last

  We fly

 Fourteen buzzards on a line

Some days we are students,

Some days we are students of life.

Playing hooky on a mountain.

By chance

to the sun

There it is again, that crystal clear blue October sky. I'm not sure when we got here, I let the time slip by me like a cat weaving its hello between my ankles, so subtle. What a strange year.

The strange part is, I'm pretty sure you're my angel. I think you teach me every time I lay down my head, every time I take in a breath. And I just exist in the wingspan of your atmosphere, little orbit. Can I tell you how very loved you are? Its too much to say, I think, I just have to hope you know. That the grasses, the branches of the trees, their roots and the reddening edges of their leaves...they love you. The breeze, the dust it brings, this concrete sidewalk, and the rains that wash it clean...they love you. The vertical lines of this city, the spaces in between, the ripeness and the blooms...the curly ques and the pieces left behind, they love you.  

Oh lucky me, to know the sun. I know the world loves you. And I try to help you see.

When it rains...