Lately all this is starting to fade...like dusty haze and heat waves on a hot road in summer. I start thinking about life and love and living, and one thing seems to pick itself outta the mass...I think back to when you said I've figured it out, I've figured it all out and I didn't even know it. You didn't know how much that terrified me did you? You don't know how much everything does.
People always look at me and want to tell me what they think, and I guess I've decided its gotta be some kind of curse...people look me up and down and tell me how I look. People look at me all the time. Like somehow I invited all this shit. Like somehow I asked for their opinion. You're so young. You're so pretty, I love you.
I live alone. Sometimes I don't want to be seen.
Lately none of this seems to matter so much...I realize if I have time I'm gonna take it. It seems like so much right now. I know that won't last. People say your twenties are for being stupid...I smile a little when they say that. I wonder why people think I wanna spend my time being stupid. The way I see it the stakes are higher now but things ain't much different than being a kid was...it's all fun and games till someone gets pregnant or dies...Go live your life, be stupid! I'm too smart to be stupid. Always have been, that's why it's been so difficult. I always knew I saw things different. The stupidest things I ever did were listening to other people...doin what they said I wanted. What they wanted.
Figured it out huh? I just can't get your voice outta my head. If I have time, I know a few experiences I'd like to have. That's it isn't it? I'm holding the reins but the horse has a mind of its own. And I know it can feel me on its back. I think at some point we all chose this...like rides in an amusement park...like, hey, lets try Life...you don't know where you'll start or where you'll end up but it's just a cosmic blip, and you can't take anything with you but you get it all when you come back...in the end you laugh and say well that was something...if I get time, there are a few experiences I'd like to have. I think about buying some land in the country...raising a few animals. I'd like to have kids. If I'm lucky I'll fall in love, but Daddy I don't think I'll ever love again the way we talked about...I know too much now. Not in a bad way. People say I'm young, and that's good. When you look at things the way I do everything seems a bit like a business arrangement. I'll hold on to the control I have, and surrender to what I don't...
You ever think, if it all was taken away from you...if you were born into a different body, same soul, knowin nothing...could you ever find yourself again? Could you leave clues for yourself to find, clues that transgress the boundaries of your own body? What truly speaks to your soul...is there anything you could do now to call yourself home again someday?
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