20

Lately you'll probably hear me offering preemptive explanations for my actions. I'm this, I'm that. Too old to drink like a kid, I'm righteous and set in my ways, I like animals too much to eat them, I'm just taking a break from school. The list goes on and on. And today I found myself saying "I don't know when I got this old and un-fun and I'm sorry." I lay these reasons around myself to deflect this idea of what I think other people believe I am, all because I inherently feel that I don't fulfill their expectations. But the truth is, I'm not sure when I became someone who has to apologize for herself all the time. What's so wrong with doing something or living a certain way simply because I want to? I think that's where it gets personal. I lived for a long time being treated like my opinion didn't matter, and "not wanting to" was a surefire way to get into an argument, because no explanation I gave was ever satisfactory. The reflection of that is this series of explanations I throw out to excuse my behavior...not necessarily because anyone else believes I'm so wrong, but because I do. The truth isn't acceptable. Who'd believe that I'm 20, and tired.