The truth is I like being with you more than I like being by myself

I'm not the type to have bad days, more often than not I find a good attitude can conquer all. Last night I found myself vulnerable, scared you could see right through me, scared you saw something you didn't like.

So when today, a series of ill-timed events makes me believe perhaps nothing I could do would get me to where I thought my day was heading, I found myself vulnerable. Plans thwarted by a higher power. Alright, I'll listen. And in that moment my emotions got the best of me. This rarely happens. I hate crying, I resent this side of myself, but worse I hate crying in public. I felt it well up inside me, a part the needed to cry, for once more powerful than the part that needed to be strong. All the while arguing with myself that it could be so much worse, I excused myself into the women's room. Just two minutes. Two minutes to react, to feel more with my heart than I think with my head. And something became clear. I am so resistant to asking for help, because I think I am setting myself up for disappointment. I actually chastised myself for not being a mechanic today, so that I could have fixed my own car, or at least made my own decision. I feel I have to do everything on my own because I can't count on anyone else. Or at least, I haven't been able to count on anyone else. I resist an emotional bond, because I believe it will fail me. You see that, don't you.
You see that I'm not all powerful, that I don't have it all together, that even though I accept, and moreover anticipate, failure from everyone else, often before giving them a chance, you see that I at times fail myself and I find that's unacceptable. Today I failed myself. I broke, and a whole swarm of things came to the surface. I came home and dreamt I was in a place in my past I've tried to forget. I failed...And yet in that failure, I realized something. My vulnerability does not have to be a fault. And if I continue to let it be, I'll miss out on the beauty it has to offer. I need to accept my vulnerability as a part of me that is inherently human. Accept that sometimes my tears, my emotions, are just part of being the female gender. And maybe in that acceptance, I'll find a way to coexist with my vulnerability, and to maybe even allow myself to be really, truly, and unconditionally...loved.

November.

No Reason to Pretend- Aaron Sprinkle

We come around
A circle meets
At last I feel I'm closer to beginning
A gentle word
A quiet heart
A soul that stirs another one to start

You'll never know dear how much you breathe
Strength and courage into me
And as the day comes closer to an end
I find no reason to pretend

When morning comes
You'll doubtless be
Awake without a worry I can see
You open up
Clearness comes
A look divides the clouds I see the sun

You'll never know dear how much you breathe
Strength and courage into me
And as the day comes closer to the end
I find no reason to pretend

Hallelujah

What is a girl's capacity to care? to love? Sometimes it seems like it could reach the stars, endless. That white hot eternity, in the way you can only see its light from 20 years ago. And sometimes it all overflows, and whats left, ah lonely, too much to handle. If I died tomorrow, where would my life go? My paintings. My dog. My bed. My books. I've acquired a lifetime of objects, a lifetime of people, mourning the loss in my heart. I don't know when I'll see a day that I don't feel screwed up somehow. Like that doesn't make me deserve normal. My mind, so very terminal. Look around and you see minds deteriorating, the people you've loved disappearing. What is the world telling me? Am I at home in dysfunction  because it takes the pressure off perfection? So this emptiness is too much for me, so this is life, bearing north and going hard? Or is this life, disappearing with every step? Or is this life, the marriage and divorce of love to a man again, to a concept, to an identity? I know what I am, who we are is truly what we are when we have nothing left. I know because I have walked out into the world and told myself I would not go back, and who was when I and nothing left, was nothing but fear.

Free your mind...

Today she woke to climb the mountain...

Followed the arrows

Followed the cairns

Saw the flowers, bright yellow, heather grey, lavender purple

Found a cave, felt a cave...

Explored it nooks and crannies

Saw the light...

Up, Up and Away...

    Free at last

  We fly

 Fourteen buzzards on a line

Some days we are students,

Some days we are students of life.

Playing hooky on a mountain.

By chance

to the sun

There it is again, that crystal clear blue October sky. I'm not sure when we got here, I let the time slip by me like a cat weaving its hello between my ankles, so subtle. What a strange year.

The strange part is, I'm pretty sure you're my angel. I think you teach me every time I lay down my head, every time I take in a breath. And I just exist in the wingspan of your atmosphere, little orbit. Can I tell you how very loved you are? Its too much to say, I think, I just have to hope you know. That the grasses, the branches of the trees, their roots and the reddening edges of their leaves...they love you. The breeze, the dust it brings, this concrete sidewalk, and the rains that wash it clean...they love you. The vertical lines of this city, the spaces in between, the ripeness and the blooms...the curly ques and the pieces left behind, they love you.  

Oh lucky me, to know the sun. I know the world loves you. And I try to help you see.

When it rains...