that "and now what" feeling

Its a gorgeous day but I don't want to get up. Some days I just want to watch tv and hide. Hide from the world, and who I am and my so called problems. Part of me hates me for it. The juxtaposition of the maniac and the recluse, gemini cancer. I could say the stars did it but its in my biology...here's the dirty truth. Sometimes the girls in my family just don't get up. We get low, for a little while, we'll get back up I think, but its not just me.
I've taken to saying out loud my feelings into the emptiness of my apartment...the quietness of my car...Its an effort to start saying them at all. I miss you. The flickering streetlights of this neighborhood at two am know darker secrets than I ever told you. Healing is a funny thing. It's a beautiful word with beautiful connotations but I'm finding the process is almost ugly. Twisted. There is nothing strong about healing, nothing stoic. This slow unwind is uncomfortable, and hardly gratifying at times. I am still many things I believe myself to be. Strong and stoic are qualities I adopted by default. Because somebody had to keep it together. And now I just come off as cold. Icy and unspoken, breath a foggy mist on a single window pane. I start talking and my brain screams, my mouth becomes the vacuum trying desperately to suck back in the words I just let out...trying to rewind. I worry that if you're dead...If I let you be dead...I'll be dead too. Healing is hard because it means letting go, not only of what has happened, or who happened, but who they made you. Who you are because they happened. Who you have been being. 
I'm starting to see myself. 

Gone Fishing

Sometimes you are so reckless. Hey, little wonder. Like a record on repeat, the same song plays over and over, and you keep listening and making the same mistake every time. I'm pretty sure you've got a temper on you...one you never showed me. I never incited it. I'm pretty sure you walk through this life cold, cold skin, cold smile...the heat that keeps you alive comes from inside. And your focus, like a magnifying glass on the unlucky leaf that has caught your attention, keeps that flame burning, fire sign.

Am I too blame? No, not really. But I, like a woman, played with your head. Unintentionally. I am the one that dangled the bait right above your head, and you couldn't take it. You've been caught too many times before.
You knew something you believed I did not. That my honesty, however poignant, however true, was fleeting. You know that the truth morphs in time. You knew I am a butterfly, today something, tomorrow something else. I felt that, when I told you to go and you stayed. You should have gone, you should have run. You knew you would. But for a moment, you stayed, and like always, I knew what you could never say. That the only part left to catch had been caught. It just wasn't enough anymore. Somewhere along the line, you promised never to taste the bait again. And there was nothing I could ever do about it.

There is no hook, no line, no sinker. There is you on that side, and me on mine. You said this was non-negotiable. You said you knew better. But you...somewhere out there...laughing at a bar. Drinking with these people you call friends, sometimes your thoughts rest on me. You drive home at 5 in the morning, fumbling for your keys, wearing this big buffer now that keeps you hazy. You think you need to be hazy for a while. And what do I know anyway. You're just doing what you've always done. How did this happen, how did we end up hurting each other...do what you want. But I know what you're up to.

7:40 is morning not night

These apologies are getting old...I don't understand why you think its easier to say you're sorry than to do the right thing. I keep looking for your eyes, waiting for a flicker of recognition...only when I least expect it does it appear. How do we move forward now, we're both so backward looking...I appreciate the moments when our eyes meet. At the very least our tension is honest.

We Put the Never in Never.

This ain't the end, this is self preservation.
Pretty boy looks. Vain, and cocky. You had your pick in high school. I called you soldier but it was I who fought so hard for you. You want to know what I remember? I wore a turquoise cami with a yellow tank top when we walked around the lake, and I told you I was a republican, just to see your face grimace. Our first kiss. Publix sugar cookies, Jimmy Eat World-Hear You Me, the greenway. You interrupted me while I was talking and kissed me. I was so stunned I went right on with our conversation like nothing happened. Burgundy shirt, alpine in kahuna. Hair so long you said I looked like Eve, as we messed around on empty soccer fields at night, always looking for a rare place alone. The first time we went out you locked your keys inside your car at the movies, and we walked to the convenient store to buy a hangar, and spent a few good hours bending it in the right shape to snag the keyring. The next time we went out, you did the same thing.
I remember our long walks. I remember watching every scrubs episode that summer, and when I gave you that link, it was the first time you ever said you loved me. Not seriously, and not taken so. But the first. The second time, you meant. And I said thank you, like in the movies. It broke you, but it wasn't really fair. It was only a month. You were always leaving me. I learned quickly that the second a man seems most in love, most interested in me, is the second before he leaves.
We spent those next 18 months meeting secretly. Talking all the time. You loved me, you left me. That time on the concrete block next to the cow trough in the fields behind Holy Trinity. The first time you told me you heard voices. Just your name, in an empty hallway. We breathed each other in, felt the energy electrify between us. You stole me a candy bar from the gas station. Dark chocolate milky way.
I kept tabs on you, always. I taught you how to drink. I felt like such a bad ass, teaching boys to shoot whisky in a house that wasn't ours. We found time alone wherever we could. How I regret that now. Isn't it crazy how we introduce people to things we later hate that they do?
You got me high the first time. I fought so hard to stay in reality. We walked around in the woods, hiding in our paranoia. I saw a pterodactyl, hanging from the trees. You sat alone in the empty stands at my high school graduation. I was so sick. I left there so fast there's only one picture of me from that day, stepping off the stage. Just to be with you.
I used to sneak into your window to spend the night. My world collapsed around me, and you offered to be my safety net. My family. That summer we fell in love. Apathy Eulogy-Impetuous Me. Firehouse subs. I was so covered in bruises. Matt and Kim- Daylight. And then we both left. Again. College. The last day of summer, we started a tradition. Bacardi. You grew up, and so did I. But we couldn't be without each other. We were on and off again, and you cried when you had to go home. Owl city-Fireflies You cried when I left you. Kid Cudi-Up up and away. Say Anything- Cemetery. I visited Orlando. And that's when I really saw it. The rest is crystal clear.

I don't think you remember. Runs, barefoot, Waculla Springs, sunburns. That alligator in the park. The time Charlie went missing. The time we made Charlie armor. Fireworks. That horrible cake we made. That awesome Thai food we made. That rainstorm we watched. Walking through the mall in matching outfits. You bought a pretzel. The colony. That abandoned house we walked to. The guy with the camera we talked to. How about that summer we lived together. I never loved anyone so hard. I knew...I knew, I couldn't have you. You made it impossible. But you loved me too. Smoothies. The projector. That time in the hotel where I surprised you, butt naked. The dog park. Every. Single. Day. That field in south Florida, we drove to the lake edge, remember...getting caught?

There are a lot of things left out. A lot of thoughts. Like holding your hand in the hospital. Drawing pictures. Like slipping you medication when you were too messed up to take it. Like hiding from you under the desk. Like the baseball bat. Like South park. Like your graduation night. Like how we'd fight. Things we don't talk about.

I thought maybe you'd react differently this time, but I am coming to see, you're the ant in the amber. Time goes on, I grow older, but you stay the same. It doesn't matter if we're not "friends", C, we never were. You'll never go away, and neither will I. We're just a couple of stupid kids throwing a ball back and forth, just to see who drops it first...

Clarification:

That is all.

The Rule Is, There Are No Rules

Its alright.
This time it's just a slip, sliding down
our loose ends hang in ribbons
Some words have lost all meaning...
Like I'm sorry. Like I love you.
I always knew,
when it comes to you,
actions speak louder.
I know how these things work.
It's not my first time.
But you knew I felt for you.

Now here we are,
marionettes in the puppet show,
cut the bread,
pour the wine...
strings attached to a smile that's not mine.
But I always knew,
when it comes to you,
actions speak louder
actions speak louder
actions speak louder
actions speak...

Thoughts on validating, negating, and sarcasm

Lately I've been thinking a lot about validation and negation, and how these two simple concepts affect our interactions with other people. Sometimes I get too focused on finding a solution, giving advice, or providing the "right" answer to other people's problems, and bogged down when that kind of advice doesn't stick. It goes back to something I wrote earlier. We are not called to fix each other, only to understand one another. While it is easier said than done, part of this is really examining what it is to speak and act from a space of love. What does love really look like, what does it mean? And how does feeling invalidated affect our feelings of being unloved?
Validation itself is pretty simple. You feel a certain way? Yes, you do. That simple act of speaking and being heard, of having your emotions recognized, says so much more than words of advice or superficial solutions. Sometimes problems don't always have to have answers. Validation says "I see you, your well being matters to me, I am here for you." And that might be all someone needs from you. In fact, it might be all any of us need from each other when we are upset. With our feeling recognized, we are brought closer to one another, and in the restorative calm true peace or compromise can be found.
I recently went on a family trip, and I got to thinking how parents have a tendency to regress their children back into a state of adolescence. As someone whose been out of the house for nearly 5 years, I am perfectly capable of caring for myself and tending to the responsibilities that I've taken on. And my parents know that. And yet, on the first day, I was asked if I had brought dog food for my dog on a long weekend. There was something so negating about this question, and for a split second it stopped me in my tracks. OF COURSE I BROUGHT DOG FOOD. The idea that I had somehow forgotten pegs me as someone who is perpetually irresponsible, forgetful, or not conscious of others' needs. Which is not me at all. Do they even know me? It brought up a well of emotions relative to my experience in their household. I can't remember quite how I responded...I think I just said yes.  But it got me thinking.
My parents have raised three very capable children to young adults...and one thing we have in common is we all tend to be extremely sarcastic when mom and dad are around. And I think this has to do with validation and negation. Sarcasm tend to be our response when our parents say something that is invalidating to our current state of independence. Like "Did you bring dog food?" actually sounds like "I am skeptical about your ability to take care of another life because I do not feel you are a capable adult." And that can be quite an insulting thing to say, and in fact, quite different from the intention of the question in the first place. A better question could be "Where is the dog food? I'd like to give the dog a snack." It relays the true intention without negating a person's sense of self-confidence. I think we respond with sarcasm because we are continually being negated, although unintentionally. Sarcasm can feel insulting, but it arises as a response to a statement or question was already perceived as insulting.
I think we have to become more aware of how our words, validating and negating, illicit reactions from one another. It is so important to communicate well with the people around you, and even subtle changes can bring each other closer, tear down walls, and relay our true intentions more clearly. If we don't, we are left doling out clever put-downs and sarcastic comments that aren't indicative of how we truly feel about each other. It's something we should all work on, and I believe that being conscious and validating can truly break down barriers and make people feel far more at ease with each other...and make for lasting, beneficial relationships :)